slow down

....sometimes.... its out your back window....

From Winter (2010)

an omen

this last summer i began taking my first practical steps towards realizing a personal dream i've had for just over a decade: to become a fly fisherman. this goal, this admittedly ambiguous horizon, is at least in part a philosophical one (as i imagine it to be for anyone in similar waders). what does it mean to "become a fly fisherman"? at what point does one "become" a fly fisherman?

is it when the rod is purchased? or perhaps when your wading boots are tightened? is it the first time you enter the stream with trout on your mind?

the questions could go on forever. and if i know anything about myself.... they will. and if i know anything else about myself, its that in the process of asking myself the myriad of questions that i undoubtedly will, i'll likely frustrate any number who are unfortunate enough to be in the wake of my questions as they're asked, and who see the "common sense" answer to a rather "common sense" question.

sigh.

and so the circle of life continues.

but i don't want to get distracted. this particular reflection happens to be about another aspect to the goal of "becoming a fly fisherman." and that's the practical side to this goal. now, i can (and will) certainly make this element to the goal as complicated as it shouldn't be. but once again, i'll save those particular intricacies for some distant late night insomnia coupled with a plate of brownies and vanilla bean ice cream, or perhaps for one of those illuminative moments that can occur while sitting on the throne. (which reminds me, excuse me for one minute...)

here's some good advice, and you can take this to the bank: never talk with your mouth full, never eat with your stomach full, and never write with your bladder full. these are just simple truths that will help you in general. (but rarely in particular)

where was i?

oh yeah, "becoming a fly fisherman."

anyway, this winter i have been graced with my first fly fishing experience in freezing temperatures. now if i'm honest, no, it was not freezing. not technically. everyone knows that freezing occurs at 32 degrees (water that is) (at sea level anyway) (and depending on degree of salinity) (and i don't know what i'm talking about)

it was actually 34 degrees last saturday (the day i went winter fly fishing). but it rained three-quarters of the day, and was slightly windy, so it felt like it was freezing. i love minnesota. the change of seasons. the water all around us. the very green forests. the diversity of our metropolitan cities. the vikin... errr..... the competitive spirit embedded in the souls of its people. (i made that last one up, it sounded documentary-ish) (but this is not a documentary, so what did i care?) (i have no idea) (in case that wasn't implied)

but yes... its' rivers. we're surrounded. its a blessing. i've traveled to many foreign countries in the world, and one thing that almost always strikes me about the things we so easily take for granted here, is how we fail to grasp how precious our clean water is. so many people in the world would literally (and DO literally) give their life for something as simple as water.

in minnesota, its abundant. i am grateful for its existence. and i'd like to think i am conscientious about it. when i step into a fresh water stream, i think about it almost every time. it humbles me.

even in 34 degree air temperatures, 26 degree wind chill, and a light to moderate rain i can be thankful for the stream i am stepping into. thankful for the life it sustains and thankful that i can share in that life.

making my way down to hay creek, just outside red wing, was a drive filled with anticipation and a child-like excitement. i could not wait to walk a river in the dead of winter for the first time in my life. and when i arrived and stepped out into the chilled but humid winter air, i'll never forget the encompassing quiet interrupted only by the sounds of birds who apparently share my love for the winter outdoors as well.

and soon.... the sound of the water. it could have been deafening for all i know, because as i post-holed my way to the modest banks of hay creek, my audible world was focused solely on the lovely sound of fresh winter-chilled water which was patiently spilling its way to the great mississippi.

it didn't take me long to find an inviting hole, just a couple dozen yards from the very bridge i had previously crossed not 20 minutes ago. and as much as i'd like to create some literative drama reminiscent of the better fly fishing blogs out there when it comes to explaining how i happened upon my first trout of the year, the truth is that on my second cast of the year (using my gorgeous new sage flight three weight rod) i felt a resistance on the end of my rod that only a fly fisherman can appreciate to its fullest. the lively, sporadic bounce in my tip told me i wasn't dealing with a snag (which is what i was expecting). suddenly, and once again, i was back to experiencing the freezing of time which has accompanied many of the trout i have pulled in to date.

all fades.... and its just you and the fish. the whole thing lasted perhaps 30 seconds today, but time means little in this moment. your first signs are touch, soon sight follows as the trout's colorful skin reflects sunlight through the water as its flight path ebbs and flows, followed by an explosion at the surface as he tries one of his numerous instinctual strategies to break free from the invisible hand guiding him to shore.

i wasn't sure if i'd catch anything my first time out winter fly fishing. my mentor had gone out two weeks prior and caught only two fish on the same stretch of water. admittedly, every day is its own, and the river is never the same twice, but i have yet to come close to catching as many fish as he when we go out together, so i thought my chances were perhaps small, especially without his help that day. so to catch a beautiful "brookie" (image below) within 10 minutes of entering the stream was a gift (in my mind). perhaps (i hope) an omen for the rest of the year.

i ended up not catching another that afternoon. this was alright with me. i thoroughly enjoyed my afternoon in the winter rain. i had a couple more chances, but i think its safe to say my inexperience blew those opportunities. this just means i need many more winter trips to come....

i have little idea where i was going with all of this. i know i started out entertaining the thought, what does it mean to "become a fly fisherman"? at this point, i honestly don't have anything real illuminative, nor intelligent with which to flavor this inquiry. but i do think its fair to say that however in the end its answered by the fly fishing gods and greats, it must at least involve fly fishing.

and i couldn't have been more thrilled to do just that on hay creek last saturday.

may another day on the stream come soon.....

From First Winter Fly Fishing

the great pacific garbage patch

i've heard/read about this garbage patch numerous times in the last year. it came across my path again this morning.....

....a garbage "soup" that has accumulated in the pacific and that basically extends from hawaii to japan!

part of me has simply not wanted to admit its possible or true. i have more than my fair share of cynicism tucked tightly into my psyche that would typically make me more than willing to entertain such a reality, but when this meets with one's inclination for illusion when it comes to matters that feel beyond your control, sometimes denial wins out.

i think i have been in denial.

having to face this reality feels heavy. and even if pessimistic, somewhat hopeless. what is more, this floating garbage heap in the pacific, with any insight, should lead us to a number of worse conclusions yet with regard to where and what garbage is doing globally.... both in water and on land. which is why this isn't really about the pacific garbage heap in particular, but just garbage specifically.... and the amount that we produce for our landfills everyday.

i have very little to say constructively this morning. at this point i'm simply venting. acknowledging. admitting to myself that there is a real problem here. i'm not sure what to do about it. my meager attempts to lessen the amount of plastic and other centuries-long-landfill-clogging refuse that i use feels so inadequate.

radiohead - idioteque (live)

i've been revisiting radiohead lately. in my experience, there are few in this world who somehow manage to hover just beneath the horizon of "sanity" (above/below.... hard to tell) without completely nose-diving.

thom yorke physically manifests a tenuous balance in this regard as he dives under, above, and around the subjective line of psychosis while performing his music on stage.

its the balance that strikes me..... compels me to listen, to observe, to disappear along with him into their music. radiohead speak in so many ways that go beyond lyrics (as one would expect to be the case for a band who composed a good portion of their lyrics while recording Kid A by pulling random phrases from a hat).

idioteque is a perfect example. this is a piece of musical genius. and the passion with which thom performs for this song has become widely adored about across the globe.

idioteque often brings me to tears. its a purportedly apocalyptic amalgam, that in terms of the composition itself, reflects the tension created by the concrete horrors encountered in this life juxtaposed with the ways in which we try to make sense of it all through abstraction.

its angry. its sad. its confused. its melancholic. and at the core an expression, an indignant account, a cry, a scream.

all very human.... but some feel it deeper than others. and it is souls like yorke's that for whatever reason, i seem to connect with intimately, and musically is no exception......


radiohead is at the top of my list of bands that i have not seen, but will make sure i do so when they come close to town again. i can't help but think of what i will have missed out on if i were to fail to take advantage of seeing this band live at least once while they are still touring together.

it seems a little too giddy to say "i look forward to it"....... but that's in the ballpark of how i feel all the while knowing its likely going to be a concert bringing out a full range of emotions for me......

present tense

do you see the way that tree bends?
does it inspire?
leaning out to catch the sun's rays
a lesson to be applied....

i've refrained for so long.

but its time. two-thousand and nine begins a new chapter in my life in so many ways, and i've been on a hiatus from writing..... a break which for all practical purposes extends back to my "myspace" days when i was writing (mostly poetry) two to three times a week.

choosing a title for my blog was not a trivial choice for me, but i've settled upon "present tense." this connotes a number of things meaningful to me in one simple phrase..... first of all, it pays homage to a long-standing staple for any music collection i've maintained over the years (whether LPs, cassettes, CDs, or now, MP3s) -- that being pearl jam and its singer/songwriter, eddie veddar. it also reflects one essential, even if too obvious to see, element to a "blog".... and that is its irreducible connection to time..... particularly the present. even when reminiscing on the past, you cannot escape the fact that your consciousness' own awareness of itself will always intersect with time in the mode of the present. and the last thing worth pointing out for now would be its play on words when it comes to "tense." for whatever reason, i tend to write/think/process within the crucible of tension. tension is a pivotal concept to me given its intrinsic explanatory power when engaging a wholly interconnected "world." it is within the push and pull of all things finite that we attempt to make sense of our lives, the world, and all that we experience.... .....a fitting allusion for a blog title it seems.

i am pretty stoked about this newfound outlet for recording some of my thoughts, poetry, and experiences. i have a daughter who is only about 2 weeks from being born. this will bring my immediate family to five. with two sons under the wing at ages 5 and 4, things are going to change drastically soon. and it feels like a great time to be writing again....... so much to come.....

Peace.